Hi - We have a room for rent in our Fabulous 4 bedroom Victorian. This place IS the BEST place in the whole of S.F. We live in the best neighborhood, on the best block, by all of the best of the best things. You want to live here so badly. You don't even know why you do, but you do and you are frantically copy pasting our e-mail into your reply and you are sweating as you begin to whore yourself to us while you blather on shamelessly of why you think you're so cool but know you're not and frankly we probably won't pick you because we have decided that we are so fabulous that we'd rather pay $400 more in rent each than have to pick you. But if you must reply...about us.
The roommates - Roommate (1) 30 yo non-smoking, 420 friendly, vegan (meat on special occasions - but only outside the house), a Googler by day, but dabbles in writing and playing the guitar at night (the light sleepers need not apply). He likes to cycle, climb, restore old sail boats and cook and enjoys a glass of wine but only occasionally. He rises at 4am for Yoga - your wall is his wall - early risers preferred!
Roommate (2) 27 yo genderqueer (GLTB friendly - please apply to our house) he smokes - but outside and is trying to quit so we prefer a non-smoker, she's a dance instructor and he teaches yoga. She's taken up meditation and he cycles at almost pro level. She bartends at night and has a bit of a snoring problem - your other wall is his wall - night owls this might be for you!
Roommate (3) 32 yo female. bilingual teacher at a troubled youth center. she likes to cook, ski, and works at the mission on weeknights when she can find the time. Is also currently on a non-sugar diet so this is currently a sugar free house we prefer to keep it that way in support of her venture.
We are not into drama. Our house is a home - we like to hang out with each other but you must have your own life as well, its creepy if you don't. Please don't apply if you are a Republican, you've ever read anything by Fitzgerald, a neat freak, too dirty, too loud, no hermits, we're the 3rd floor so cripples this place isn't suited for your needs don't think to hit reply. We don't mind that you party but don't bring the party home unless we are having a house party then certainly we expect and require you to partake. If your credit score isn't 700 you should really consider relocating to Oakland so definitely don't apply here, two past roommate references, a link to all your social sites (facebook, myspace - we want to know the "real" you). We are totally into creating a "green" house. We compost, recycle, flush the toilet only on Tuesdays and Saturdays, only use lights between 9pm and 4am (and no, no TV - sorry we use our brains for something more - ignorant people need not apply).
Your room - Its the real gem of the house. It has one window that faces the wall of the Victorian home next to us. Sunlight is never a problem - late sleeping on the weekends we don't host brunch revivals in the living room is a total possibility. It's a little cold and a little warm so those sensitive to light fluctuations in temperature - this is not for you. The cats love your room and have made it their home away from our home. You must love cats. We have 2 (Hester and Lester - we love them and you should too!) and sometimes our neighbors cats find their way inside so we sometimes have 4 but they are all outside sometimes so we kind of have none. We just acquired a reptile we adore and you must too - well if we can find where it went you must. Although we love animals - no more pets - unless it's a really cute small dog of sorts - than maybe.
Please tell us a little about yourself. And we will determine from your 2 paragraph e-mail if you are a poser - so don't think of selling yourself to us, we know you're scum.
Then tell us; Why do you want to live in our house? Why are you worthy of an e-mail reply telling you that you would never be able to live in a house half as awesome as ours? In fact why are you looking to live in a house, have you not considered an underpass? Perhaps Golden Gate Park?
Consider the following questions before replying:
If you were a bird what kind of bird would you be?
If you could only paint your pinky toe nail every 3rd week of every leap year, what color would you paint it?
Thanks for reading and we plan to host a series of open houses in the next 3 weeks with the people we deem "finalists" to try to determine from the way you shift about uncomfortably if we want to invite you to a private interview. Please shower before you come. We would love it if you were bilingual because that would make for an even cooler household. Oh, Roommate 1 really likes leather so extra points for wearing some to the open house!
Happy House Hunting!!!! We look forward to not responding to you.
- This is currently my life. I get why its necessary and very important...and that's why I can have fun with it because if I took it too seriously/personally (which I was) then I probably would have walked in front of 5 buses by now. I'm optimistic and am starting to have some fun with it. Lidia is my saving grace in all of this - and the person that grounds me before I get too crazy - which happens often. I've never been exposed to such an intense rental market before - but then again I've never lived in a place like this before. I wouldn't have said this until today but I believe it's worth it. I think it keeps everyone a little funny, a little interesting and a little honest. And it makes for some great experiences - I'm going to check out an attic space - no windows...a ladder is the only entrance/exit and its only 5 feet high. I honestly can't wait to see it.
This really is a great place to be - well if I ever find a place to live it'll be a really great place to be. Here's to hoping....I'll keep you posted. -
