My Walk To Work

Every day I walk to and from work. I usually take a similar route and I get up early so I can make a stop at they gym. Now - I have to be honest and say that San Francisco is truly filled with some of the craziest motherfuckers you'll ever meet. Sorry Aunt Deb - but sometimes the only way to really paint a mental picture of something is to pepper in some profanity. That aside they are a lot of wackos out here. I don't see a ton of homelessness except on my walk to work. They're all still sleeping all along the sidewalk and I literally have to step over them. I really need to take up biking and I'm working on it...I'll keep you posted.


I'm sorry I have to stop for just a moment and I have to put this in here, it ties into the profanity statement. I listen to music while, well, I listen while I do everything but I'm listening (again - sorry to you I keep mentioning them to) to this band I can't get enough of and they are a bit vulgar and profane and this song is kind of kitschy but I dig the beat...So 3OH!3...don't trust me.

Back to the story at hand. There are just a lot of crazy homeless people here. And I don't use the term crazy lightly - I think on the certifiable scale the crazy people you'll encounter here get their own scale. They have to go above and beyond to be abnormal. For example I was walking to work one day and when I approached an intersection that was near the city center there was a woman standing on the corner in a cat suit. It was a tiggeresque patterned dress and she was wearing matching ears. Parked next to her was a stroller atop of which were two sleeping cats - at least I hope they were sleeping my other theory is that they were dead or drugged. As people would pass by she would hold out a cup and meow. I wish I was joking but I'm not. My point is the effort this took. Either she was obsessing about this for quite some time or she woke up one day and said "I want to beg for money but I need a gimmick - I know I'm going to spend the day as a cat." And then she had to go to the craft store and get tiger patterned materials for her custom dress. She had to find a drug dealer to give her sedatives for her cats.
The story doesn't end there though. A couple of weeks later I was coming home from a day at the beach and this same woman was walking down my street dressed in a Christmas themed outfit. I saw her walking towards me and as I frantically fumbled for my keys and with the locks she approached (as I knew she would)and started to tell me about "And the pigs are eating the chickens and the chickens eat the rats and Jesus will save them all..." And all I could do was avoid eye contact while telling her "Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone..." That was a close call I was one second away from being recruited into her crazy holiday themed lifestyle. She took my two favorite holidays so I'd be stuck dressing up as a bunny and carrying around dead rabbits. I'll let you know how that goes.

New, New, New things...

Since you last heard from me I've done a lot... I will keep it brief:

1. Got a job - I work a lot but I like it a lot...not sure how many 12+ hour days later I'll still be saying that but I love the energy and the people so it makes it not so awful.

2. I left the comfort of Lidia and Dapri's nest and got an apartment - I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them...I don't miss sleeping on a couch and am thoroughly enjoying my bed and walk in closet.

About my new hood...I live in Nob Hill and the neighborhood is great - or so I think. The Hyde-Powell Street Cable car runs down the street past my place and I dig that its very San Francisco. That and the hum of the cable car cables that run 24/7 under the street reminds me of the constant sound I used to get with the "L" back in Chicago.

Another bonus is it's only a 15 minute walk to work. My gym - with a pool is on the way. I do have a story about the pool and I'll get to that later.

3. Lidia got married...and looked absolutely amazing doing so...

4. We've been having "Indian Summer" if that's still ok to say that. It's been incredibly warm and sunny although when I left work today it was quite chilly. But I didn't need a warm jacket chilly - just my sweater. I kind of like this - ok, I really like this.

And that's all the big stuff. Now on to the little stuff...

The Great Return....

Coming shortly....

I promise.
With pictures. Great stories - ok - great might be a bit of an exaggeration but I have stories.
It's been exactly 1 month so I have stuff to talk about.
I've been busy with work - but I promised I wasn't going to be that person - so I'm not...

For Rent - Kind of

Hi - We have a room for rent in our Fabulous 4 bedroom Victorian. This place IS the BEST place in the whole of S.F. We live in the best neighborhood, on the best block, by all of the best of the best things. You want to live here so badly. You don't even know why you do, but you do and you are frantically copy pasting our e-mail into your reply and you are sweating as you begin to whore yourself to us while you blather on shamelessly of why you think you're so cool but know you're not and frankly we probably won't pick you because we have decided that we are so fabulous that we'd rather pay $400 more in rent each than have to pick you. But if you must reply...about us.

The roommates - Roommate (1) 30 yo non-smoking, 420 friendly, vegan (meat on special occasions - but only outside the house), a Googler by day, but dabbles in writing and playing the guitar at night (the light sleepers need not apply). He likes to cycle, climb, restore old sail boats and cook and enjoys a glass of wine but only occasionally. He rises at 4am for Yoga - your wall is his wall - early risers preferred!

Roommate (2) 27 yo genderqueer (GLTB friendly - please apply to our house) he smokes - but outside and is trying to quit so we prefer a non-smoker, she's a dance instructor and he teaches yoga. She's taken up meditation and he cycles at almost pro level. She bartends at night and has a bit of a snoring problem - your other wall is his wall - night owls this might be for you!

Roommate (3) 32 yo female. bilingual teacher at a troubled youth center. she likes to cook, ski, and works at the mission on weeknights when she can find the time. Is also currently on a non-sugar diet so this is currently a sugar free house we prefer to keep it that way in support of her venture.

We are not into drama. Our house is a home - we like to hang out with each other but you must have your own life as well, its creepy if you don't. Please don't apply if you are a Republican, you've ever read anything by Fitzgerald, a neat freak, too dirty, too loud, no hermits, we're the 3rd floor so cripples this place isn't suited for your needs don't think to hit reply. We don't mind that you party but don't bring the party home unless we are having a house party then certainly we expect and require you to partake. If your credit score isn't 700 you should really consider relocating to Oakland so definitely don't apply here, two past roommate references, a link to all your social sites (facebook, myspace - we want to know the "real" you). We are totally into creating a "green" house. We compost, recycle, flush the toilet only on Tuesdays and Saturdays, only use lights between 9pm and 4am (and no, no TV - sorry we use our brains for something more - ignorant people need not apply).

Your room - Its the real gem of the house. It has one window that faces the wall of the Victorian home next to us. Sunlight is never a problem - late sleeping on the weekends we don't host brunch revivals in the living room is a total possibility. It's a little cold and a little warm so those sensitive to light fluctuations in temperature - this is not for you. The cats love your room and have made it their home away from our home. You must love cats. We have 2 (Hester and Lester - we love them and you should too!) and sometimes our neighbors cats find their way inside so we sometimes have 4 but they are all outside sometimes so we kind of have none. We just acquired a reptile we adore and you must too - well if we can find where it went you must. Although we love animals - no more pets - unless it's a really cute small dog of sorts - than maybe.

Please tell us a little about yourself. And we will determine from your 2 paragraph e-mail if you are a poser - so don't think of selling yourself to us, we know you're scum.

Then tell us; Why do you want to live in our house? Why are you worthy of an e-mail reply telling you that you would never be able to live in a house half as awesome as ours? In fact why are you looking to live in a house, have you not considered an underpass? Perhaps Golden Gate Park?

Consider the following questions before replying:

If you were a bird what kind of bird would you be?

If you could only paint your pinky toe nail every 3rd week of every leap year, what color would you paint it?

Thanks for reading and we plan to host a series of open houses in the next 3 weeks with the people we deem "finalists" to try to determine from the way you shift about uncomfortably if we want to invite you to a private interview. Please shower before you come. We would love it if you were bilingual because that would make for an even cooler household. Oh, Roommate 1 really likes leather so extra points for wearing some to the open house!

Happy House Hunting!!!! We look forward to not responding to you.

- This is currently my life. I get why its necessary and very important...and that's why I can have fun with it because if I took it too seriously/personally (which I was) then I probably would have walked in front of 5 buses by now. I'm optimistic and am starting to have some fun with it. Lidia is my saving grace in all of this - and the person that grounds me before I get too crazy - which happens often. I've never been exposed to such an intense rental market before - but then again I've never lived in a place like this before. I wouldn't have said this until today but I believe it's worth it. I think it keeps everyone a little funny, a little interesting and a little honest. And it makes for some great experiences - I'm going to check out an attic space - no windows...a ladder is the only entrance/exit and its only 5 feet high. I honestly can't wait to see it.

This really is a great place to be - well if I ever find a place to live it'll be a really great place to be. Here's to hoping....I'll keep you posted. -

No Hill Bike Route - It exists

San Francisco Wiggle - Downtown to GGP

http://www.bikely.com/

Running on the Run

At first I was hesitant to share this story and only because of the whole Wow that's gross and/or that's a little too much information. I changed my mind for a few reasons.

It is who I am or a part of what I deal with - I know, I thought I was perpetually sexy and flawless too...who knew that's just not true?
Being human and all that comes with it is funny and you need to laugh at that or I do.

I like to run. I do it as often as I can. And as you all know when you run you try to be mindful of what will make your run a pleasant one. Right shoes, right clothes, right diet...especially the right diet directly prior to running. So over the years I've perfected this as best anyone can. There are sometimes though when I just have a bad day.

I took off on my run planning on making it a longer one. All flat and down hill on the way out and uphill the whole way back. I liked my route but on the way out my stomach hurt and cramped a little and a small pain set in. I'm kind of used to this and I thought to just breath it out and all would be fine. I take a couple more steps and I realize I am not going to be fine. I am in severe pain and I'm going to throw up out of some end of my body and I am not prepared to do it in the middle of the street.

I round a corner and I regard the households. I'm so tempted and on the verge of desperation. I play the scenario in my head. I go up ring the bell "Hi. I was out running. I'm sick. Let me use your bathroom. I'm from the Midwest trust me this is nothing perverse. And do you mind leaving I would like some privacy..." No, I can't.

I start breathing deeply and I'm hunched over thinking "Oh dear Lord. No. No. No..." I continue my pathetic shuffle down the street and I see these porta potties and there's a heavenly light shining on them and I will myself over to them to discover they all have pad locks. Oh dear Jesus are you kidding? How does this town cater to the homeless with pad locks. I want to cry and at this point I am literally on my hands and knees. I'm crawling and thinking Why didn't I bring my cell phone? I need to call Lidia and even if I did I'm past the point of no return. I can't be helped. I need to shout out to the happy people outside the bar across the street to where I'm at to call an ambulance and tell them to bring a bag. I am sweating and in tears I'm praying out loud "God, don't let this happen to me. I'm strong I endure so much but I can't endure this. I can't defecate on myself. I just don't know how I'll handle that. I can't." What would I do? Walking up these hills is a slow laborious process and I can't imagine how it would be to attempt to make that walk in soiled spandex pants. Passing people "I'm so sorry. Please, please disregard the stench. The horror. Turn your heads. Don't breath and don't laugh at me!"

I've about given up. Accepting my fate. I'm going to lie down at this point and just take off my pants and let nature literally run its course. I lift my head and notice the building on the corner I've crawled around is to an Economy Inn and there is a sign that is shining, beaming "Vacancy."
I muster up the strength I pray for the will "Please, please let me make it. Let me find a way and I'll start adopt a homeless person a bathroom foundation."
I stand up and take the pained steps to the Inn Door. I don't know if it was my pale sweating pained face or what I just said "Look this is strange but I need to know do you have a bathroom I could..." and before I finished the keeper said without blinking "Come around the corner outside."

I go outside and go around the corner and there is the door to room 11. It opens and the guy steps aside. I think for a split second Oh no. This is some odd fetish of his. Why is room 11's door connected to the Inns Office? Is there a camera here? but before I could think further I am seized by another cramp and I just say "Ok Thank you." and I bolt for the bathroom.

This part is awful so I will spare you. I was just sitting there shaking my head. I hope there's not a maid. I hope she doesn't have to come in here for days. What did I eat today? This is just ridiculous.

Lifetimes go by before I emerge at the same time the keeper and Yay, a maid enter. They see me washing my face and exit. I exit a minute later and they are kind of smirking at me and I smirk back "All better."

I start to jog home when I realize this is no time to push that matter.

I get home and share the story with Lidia who agrees the story is more amusing than it is devastating. I spend the rest of the night lying on the floor a little sore and contemplating if I should get the inn keeper a gift card or something but I figure the embarrassment is not worth revisiting and perhaps my amusement was enough. All in all I survived to run another day.

Public Storage Revisited

You would think one Public Storage story would be enough but this one is slightly amusing.

When I first went to the Public Storage when I got here over a month ago I was a little shocked and slightly concerned about the staff? There was just something a little off with all of them. But I didn't give it too much thought until I was just back this most recent time. I shouldn't say too much about it since all of my highly valuable (i.e. bowling pin and oven mitts) is still stored there. I will let the story speak for itself.

I went back to my storage to pay my monthly rent and to pick up a muffin pan; I was going to bake.

To get into PS I would liken it to getting into the Area 51 or CIA at Langley all technical and secure... You get a code which you use to get in the gate to the entrance and once you're in the building to use the elevator you need the code again to get to any floor from any floor and vice versa. Its not rocket science its just cumbersome especially if you punch in a wrong number in the antiquated system that's had its buttons pushed one too many times.

I get in the elevator, punch in my code am let off on my floor retrieve my things and return to leave. On the way down to the main floor I punch in the code again but when I get to the 1st floor the door does not open. I thought "huh, punched in the code wrong." So I punched the code in again and hit the button for it to take me to the floor I was just at and it does but the door does not open. I thought, "maybe I've confused the elevators highly intelligent system." I hit the button to go down and it does but the doors do not open. I realize I'm stuck and I don't know why so I press the button that says "Call Manager."

Promptly a person responds "Yes, can I help you?" and I think No, no you may not I pressed this button because I found it boring to travel 3 floors and wanted a chat. Instead I respond "Um, yes, I think I'm stuck. The elevator doors won't open."

"OK, I'll be right there."

And so I waited...

I hear all of this ruckus outside the door and then a *knock* *knock*
Knocking?? Seriously?

"Yes, I'm busy in here do you think you could come back later? I'm having friends over for dinner and they'll be here any minute and I've not yet dusted the emergency phone! "

I knock back and as a response I get a knock and a "Are you still in there?"

I'm silent before I answer "No, I'm gone this is my answering service."

I mean, where is the sense in any of this. I wish I were exaggerating but I am not.

I'm then asked "Have you tried pressing the button?"
I can barely gag up an answer "Really? This is my first time in an elevator. I was born 4 centuries ago and am just now visiting the modern era. That's what these buttons are for? You're supposed to press them? And here I'm thinking they are decoration. Well, hell, how about I try that now."

I press all the buttons loudly "Wow, they don't seem to work."

I get back a series of loud noises and "Hey I'm prying on the door are you pressing the button?"

"Am I supposed to?"
"Yes you press the button while I pry and then you push."

I'm shaking my head thinking I should take this service out of my rent. I'm pushing while this guy is prying and my toe is on the button cause there's no other way to do it. I'm crane my head to look at the security camera and think the surveillance tape from the elevator is going to wind up on redtube...wondering if I should ham it up and stick out my tongue, but before I can give it more thought the door starts to open. When it's open a crack he says "OK, put your arm in with me and pull it open."

"No way. No way am I putting my arm in there. It'll get stuck and I'll have to cut it off. I've read between a rock and a hard place." (this is so redtube material, right?).

He puts both his arms in and opens the door. As I emerge he asks "Wow. Were you in there long?"
I don't know what to say to this so I don't say anything at all. I just walk away with my muffin pan and a new found fear for society and public storage elevators.