Clinically Helpless

I spend lots of my days walking around. My job should be giving walking tours although since I don't know anything that could be slightly uncomfortable.

"And here we have a sided Victorian home. someone of importance or non-importance may or may not have lived here at some time. And if we continue up the street there will be a house that looks exactly like this one, but in a different color. Around the corner will be a park...I think... for sure a Deli/Liquor Store/Grocer, but maybe not, perhaps a Nail/Waxing/Therapeutic massage hut. I can assure all of you we will pass all of these things along our walk/crawl at some point and they maybe will have or one time had some significance."

In preparation for my job interview, to make myself extremely presentable, I purchased a new tube of deodorant. OK, I should be up front and say I have no self control when I'm in the deodorant aisle so it's likely I went to purchase a bottle of water, wandered down the deodorant aisle and because I'm a bit of a compulsive addict about it, bought it. I have tubes of deodorant every where. I can open any bag big or small and there will be a tube. Every drawer; even the ones in desks of former jobs. When my car was in my possession in the side of the door and for back up one in the glove compartment and a spare in the trunk just in case. For sure I kept extras in my vanity cabinet and closet. It's a problem and I realize that. Some people always have gum on them; I have deodorant.

Mind you the obsession doesn't go unwarranted. I truly believe I have overactive sweat and odor glands in my armpits and that's not crazy to say because there is a whole sub sect of dermatology dedicated to this phenomena. You can have your sweat glands from your armpits removed (a glandiopitectomy). Although since sweating is something the body needs to do you would then sweat else where and I believe there is no place that would be any more desirable. Behind the ears? knees?

Any how, my true belief does not go unwarranted. My past boyfriend once told me "after you run your armpits smell." Just like that. A fact.

I have gone through every type of deodorant. Sprays. Powders. Gels. Both men and women variations and nothing short of going to a dermatologist seems to be effective.

I heard wind of these new clinical deodorants being released on the market and girls with problems seemingly similar to my own swore these new products were the answer. They really worked.

Wrapping back to the beginning of my story I was in the deodorant aisle and there it was. The clinical deodorant. For $9.99 I was sold. I thought with my nerves pre-interview during the uphill walk this would be perfect timing to test it.

Five blocks into the walk my pits were soppy and sad. The did not smell but they were damp. Failure. I think this added to my discouraging post interview blues. My dry happy deodorant dreams were debunked along with any career aspirations.

When I got home I theorized to Lidia that maybe I needed to follow the instructions on the packaging. It says for ultimate effectiveness to apply before bedtime and again during the day, I got this, I was building a base, a system of defense. Like I have super disagreeable and hostile armpits. They need to be tamed via a constant wearing down with an intense barrier guard regiment. I wondered if I should add some extras to the instructions 1. shave armpits directly prior to deodorant application 2. apply 1st coat of deodorant 3. layer with baby powder - extra drying 4. 2nd deodorant coating 5. cool air blow dry 6. sleep with arms raised above head with no shirt or vented armpit shirt. 7. wear clothing made of natural fibers (aka naked)

I did all of the above (except I wore a cotton shirt) and on my travels today - walking the length of and exploring in depth all of Golden Gate Park ( 6 hours of walking) not only were my armpits damp but they "sort of smelled." and I when I got home I needed to take a shower to wash away my shame (aka - girls don't smell - especially after they spend $9.99 not to).

I'm thinking of looking into that sweat gland removal. I'll see if I can work it where my tongue sweats as I think spitting excessively is sexier than smelling.