Running on the Run

At first I was hesitant to share this story and only because of the whole Wow that's gross and/or that's a little too much information. I changed my mind for a few reasons.

It is who I am or a part of what I deal with - I know, I thought I was perpetually sexy and flawless too...who knew that's just not true?
Being human and all that comes with it is funny and you need to laugh at that or I do.

I like to run. I do it as often as I can. And as you all know when you run you try to be mindful of what will make your run a pleasant one. Right shoes, right clothes, right diet...especially the right diet directly prior to running. So over the years I've perfected this as best anyone can. There are sometimes though when I just have a bad day.

I took off on my run planning on making it a longer one. All flat and down hill on the way out and uphill the whole way back. I liked my route but on the way out my stomach hurt and cramped a little and a small pain set in. I'm kind of used to this and I thought to just breath it out and all would be fine. I take a couple more steps and I realize I am not going to be fine. I am in severe pain and I'm going to throw up out of some end of my body and I am not prepared to do it in the middle of the street.

I round a corner and I regard the households. I'm so tempted and on the verge of desperation. I play the scenario in my head. I go up ring the bell "Hi. I was out running. I'm sick. Let me use your bathroom. I'm from the Midwest trust me this is nothing perverse. And do you mind leaving I would like some privacy..." No, I can't.

I start breathing deeply and I'm hunched over thinking "Oh dear Lord. No. No. No..." I continue my pathetic shuffle down the street and I see these porta potties and there's a heavenly light shining on them and I will myself over to them to discover they all have pad locks. Oh dear Jesus are you kidding? How does this town cater to the homeless with pad locks. I want to cry and at this point I am literally on my hands and knees. I'm crawling and thinking Why didn't I bring my cell phone? I need to call Lidia and even if I did I'm past the point of no return. I can't be helped. I need to shout out to the happy people outside the bar across the street to where I'm at to call an ambulance and tell them to bring a bag. I am sweating and in tears I'm praying out loud "God, don't let this happen to me. I'm strong I endure so much but I can't endure this. I can't defecate on myself. I just don't know how I'll handle that. I can't." What would I do? Walking up these hills is a slow laborious process and I can't imagine how it would be to attempt to make that walk in soiled spandex pants. Passing people "I'm so sorry. Please, please disregard the stench. The horror. Turn your heads. Don't breath and don't laugh at me!"

I've about given up. Accepting my fate. I'm going to lie down at this point and just take off my pants and let nature literally run its course. I lift my head and notice the building on the corner I've crawled around is to an Economy Inn and there is a sign that is shining, beaming "Vacancy."
I muster up the strength I pray for the will "Please, please let me make it. Let me find a way and I'll start adopt a homeless person a bathroom foundation."
I stand up and take the pained steps to the Inn Door. I don't know if it was my pale sweating pained face or what I just said "Look this is strange but I need to know do you have a bathroom I could..." and before I finished the keeper said without blinking "Come around the corner outside."

I go outside and go around the corner and there is the door to room 11. It opens and the guy steps aside. I think for a split second Oh no. This is some odd fetish of his. Why is room 11's door connected to the Inns Office? Is there a camera here? but before I could think further I am seized by another cramp and I just say "Ok Thank you." and I bolt for the bathroom.

This part is awful so I will spare you. I was just sitting there shaking my head. I hope there's not a maid. I hope she doesn't have to come in here for days. What did I eat today? This is just ridiculous.

Lifetimes go by before I emerge at the same time the keeper and Yay, a maid enter. They see me washing my face and exit. I exit a minute later and they are kind of smirking at me and I smirk back "All better."

I start to jog home when I realize this is no time to push that matter.

I get home and share the story with Lidia who agrees the story is more amusing than it is devastating. I spend the rest of the night lying on the floor a little sore and contemplating if I should get the inn keeper a gift card or something but I figure the embarrassment is not worth revisiting and perhaps my amusement was enough. All in all I survived to run another day.